Lighthearted

Lighthearted
Personal nonsense and updates on life!!

Sunday, January 19, 2003

I was away at a conference this weekend (Southwestern Black Student Leadership Conference). I think that it was a good experience for me. This is the only thing. There were two parties. The first I wasn't really invited to, but the girls I was staying with really wanted me to go to the second. I said that I would, even though I didn't really want to, but when it came time to get ready, I told them that I didn't want to go. You see, this is the thing, I have always been rejected by people of my own race. When I was in school, especially middle school where I was around the most black people, I was never "black" enough. I "acted white," which means that I spoke proper English and didn't dress trendily. I was teased and called names, and it was a really hard time for me. I guess I have always carried it with me in some form or fashion. Well, back to the point. I didn't want to go to this party because I am used to being rejected by my "own people." I go to parties, and no one ever asks me to dance, and my friends always have guys hanging all over them and inadvertently ditch me. That and there are always fight when too many of "us" get together. Point in case, I found out that at the party I didn't go to there were three, and it was so bad they had to break up the party altogether. Then there's another struggle. As I am trying to get my life right with God, I don't know if I should go to parties like that. I get very tempted to fall back into old habits. We all know that dancing now-a-days is like a mating ritual. That doesn't glorify God... and if I do go and don't dance, other than being assumed to be boring and uptight, what's the point? How do you balance that. I tried to be a good witness this weekend. I wasn't perfect, but I did my Bible study and prayer every day regardless. I am confused a bit confused though. I know that I have to let God come in and heal those feeling of rejection, but say that does happen. Do I go partying? And if so, how do I be a good witness without seeming stiff. None of the people I wouldv'e been going with were strong Christians. All of them, even the ones who were underaged drank before they went. Not to pass judgement, but I just don't know how to handle that type of situation. I really want to feel more connected to people of my own race. Around most of them I feel so out of place.

posted by The Lady | 1:55 PM

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